---

I'm sorry to notify you...

Now here is a letter that took some effort! Sent to my friend Jim Keating, by Edward Ego, this letter notified him that his long lost relative, Mr. Williams Keating, was recently killed in a car accident in Nigeria and, you guessed it, there is no will and no heir. Fortunately for Jim, Mr. Ego looked up the highly unusual name of "Keating" on the Internet and found the one person that *must* be related to Williams Keating. Now, Jim need only claim his $4.5 million as the rightful heir!

Grade: A-
Comments: This letter definitely gets an "A" for effort. Some editing would be helpful, though. And, will someone explain to me why Nigerian accounting officers have so much difficulty with punctuation!

Dear Keating,

I am Mr Edward Ego [come on, is your name *really* Ego?] , the personal accounting officer to Mr Williams Keating,a national of your country, who used to work with shell [you mean..., like a shell game?] development company in Nigeria. Here in after shall be referred to as my client.

On the 21st of April 1999, my client, his wife And their three children were involved in a car accident along sagbama express road [You know, I've been complaining about the accident rate on the Sagbama Express Road for years now, but will they put up a stop sign -- no!]. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost there lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his surname over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repartrating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confisicated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits were lodged.

Particularly,the Horse Bank [now, does this refer to the customers or the deposits?] plc where the deceased had an account valued at about 4.5million dollars has issued me a notice as his accounting officer to provide the next of kin or have the account confisicated within the next ten official working days [10 Days? Wow, the Horse Bank moves fast!].

since i have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over 2 years now i seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have the same surname so that the proceeds of this account valued at 4.5million dollars can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money [Oh, I get it, you don't *really* think Jim is related to Williams].

I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Thanks and God Bless

Best Regards.

Mr Edward Ego [Now, do you really think I would do business with someone named Ego???].

Enron, ...all over again

It seems that Dr. George is the Internal Auditor for the National Petroleum Corporation. Now, the details are a little unclear but it seems as though he got $20.5 million for "influencing the contract in their favour amidst heavy competition from rival companies". Who "they" are I still haven't figured out. Now, unfortunately for Dr. George, "civil servants are forbidden to operate or own foreign accounts" and it appears that he needs some help getting the funds out of the country -- this is where I come in!

Grade: C
Comments: First of all, don't type words like RISKS and TROUBLE in all-caps -- it just draws more attention to them. Secondly, find a different industry. An energy company is just going to make people think that you once worked for Enron and you'll never get a cent!
---------------------------------

From the desk of:
DR.GEORGE CHUKS
Email:g_chuks@indiatimes.com
Lagos, Nigeria.
Attn: Managing Director,

Dear Sir/Madam,

REQUEST FOR AN URGENT CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP. After due deliberation with my colleagues, I have decided to forward to you this business proposal. We want a reliable person who could assist us to transfer the sum of twenty Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars ( $20,500,000 ) into his / her account [maybe I could use my Roth IRA so that I wouldn't have to pay taxes].

This fund resulted by way of gratification from a contract awarded by us under the budget allocation to my Ministry and this bill has been approved for payment by the concerned Ministries. The contract has since been executed, commissioned and the contractor company, paid off. We are left with the balance of US$20.5M which was given to us by the company for influencing the contract in their favour amidst heavy competition from rival companies [why, I've never heard of such a practice, is it common?] . But under our protocol division, civil servants are forbidden to operate or own foreign accounts. This is why I am contacting you to be our custodian for this fund. As you may want to know and to make you less curious, I got your address from adverts in the business directory that portrayed your establishment in good light. I am the Chief Accountant/Internal Auditor of the Contract Award Committee ( CAC ) of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation ( NNPC).

This transaction is very much free from all sorts of RISKS and TROUBLE from my Government. We the N.N.P.C. Officials involved in this deal have put in many years in service to this Ministry [and *this* is how they treat you, by disallowing foreign bank accounts]. We have been exercising patience for this opportunity for so long and to most of us this is a life time opportunity we cannot afford to miss. You need not to worry about the responsibilities of transferring this fund into your account, for all the administrative steps needed for the transfer of this fund into your designated bank account will be done by me. I and my colleagues have agreed to COMPENSATE you duly if agreement is reached by both of us. I and one of my colleagues involved in this deal will come to your country to arrange for our share, upon the confirmation from you that the money has been credited into your nominated bank account.

Consequent upon your acceptance of this proposal, kindly confirm your interest by Email g_chuks@indiatimes.com. Your indication by emailing me of your sincere and serious interest will enable me fax you the PROCEDURE FOR OPERATION.
NOTE: In the event of your inability to handle this transaction please inform us so that we can look for another reliable person who can assist in this respect. It might surprise you why we choose you and trusted you for this transaction. Yes, we believe that good friends can be discovered and business like this can not be realised without trust [you mean, like the way the Nigerian Petroleum Corp. trusts you???] . This is why we have decided to trust you for this transaction. We are looking forward to doing this transaction with you. Be further informed that everyones interest and security had been considered before you were contacted, so be rest assured and feel free to go into this transaction with us. But let Honesty and Trust be our watchword throughout this transaction and your prompt reply will be highly appreciated [Ok, you convinced me, you're honest and trustworthy -- yeah, right!].

Thank you, and God bless.

Best Regards,

DR. GEORGE.
NB:
Please, should in case you want to reply by email, do send your response to; g_chuks@indiatimes.com

---

Another Land Dispute

Donald seems to be running into the same problem as Frazer Aloma (posted June 9, 2003). His father was killed for denouncing racist land ownership policies by the government. Fortunately, his father had the presence of mind to transfer his wealth to Amsterdam in the form of precious stones. While Donald is willing to contribute 5% of $15 million for expenses, he hasn't offered to contribute any of the proceeds to charity like Frazer did. You know, it wouldn't hurt for Donald to think of someone other than himself once in a while.

Grade: C-
Comments: Donald, don't use big words if you don't know what them mean. Also, a more Zimbabwean sounding name would be more believable than "Donald".

----------------------------------------
Sir,

Sincere greetings to you and your family. I know that you may be surprised to receive this message from me since you don't know me in person but for the purpose Of introduction, I am Donald Malani, the son of the late Mr. Jami Malani, who was murdered in a land dispute in ZIMBABWE. I got your contact through the world trade journal [hey, I didn't know I was in the World Trade Journal, in fact, I didn't even know there *was* a World Trade Journal!]. As I feel, you should be a reliable and trustworthy person to deal with hence I have decided to write this to you.

My late father was among the few black Zimbabwean rich farmers murdered in cold blood by the agent of the ruling government of President ROBERT MUGABE for his alleged support and Sympathy for Zimbabwean opposition party. Before the death of my father, he took me to South Africa to deposit the sum of Fifteen Million US Dollars (US$15,000,000.00) with a security and finance company, as if he knew the looming danger In Zimbabwe [wow, do you think maybe he really *did* know?]. The money was deposited as gem or precious stone to avoid much demurrage [demurrage? Wait, I'll get my dictionary. ...demulcent, ...demure, here it is, demurrage! "the detention of a ship beyond the time allowed for loading" Hmmm, I think this is Donald's way of saying, Don't miss the boat! ] from the Security firm. This money was earmarked for the Purchase of new machinery and chemicals for the farms and the establishment of new farms in Lesotho and Swaziland.

This land problem arose when President Robert MUGABE introduced a new land act Which wholly affects the White rich farmers just because some few blacks like my dad condemned this new racist move adopted by the Government, the result was a rampant killing and mob actions against us all both white and some few black farmers like my father. I and my Mother are currently staying in Holland (Amsterdam) as refugees/asylum seekers have decided to transfer this money to a foreign country where we can invest it [wait, isn't Holland a foreign country?] . I am faced with the dilemma of investing this amount of money in South Africa for fear of encountering the same experience in future since both countries have the same political history.

Moreover, the South African monetary policy/law does not allow such investment hence I am seeking for a foreign account where I can transfer the money thereafter go there to continue my life. I must let you know that this business is 100% risk Free, timely and the nature of your business does not necessarily matter [unless of course, your business happens to be law enforcement!]. So if you are willing to assist us, I and my mother have agreed to give you 25% of the Total money, while 70% will be for us which we shall also invest in your Country with your advice and the remaining 5% will be mapped out for any incidental expenses [$750 thousand for incidental expenses? Well, for starters I'm going to need to think about this in a nice quiet place -- I'm thinking Maui. Next I'm going to need Starbucks lattes, lot's of them] which we may incur during the transaction.

Therefore, if you are willing and interested to render the needed assistance, endeavour to reply through this my guardian's [Guardian? how old are you, anyway?] phone number above and/or my email address. Remember that this is highly confidential and the Success [ooo, success with a capital "S" -- I *like* the way you think!] of this business depends on how secret it is kept. Please where you are not interested; do not discuss this matter with any body [who, moi?]. I shall bring you into a more detailed picture of this transaction when you reply me.

Best Regards,

Donald Malani.

---

Another Banker

It looks at though bank manager Woo Chong had a customer named Lawrence Smith that died without leaving a will and no relatives. Now, Woo wants to make sure that the fruit of the old man's labor (why does that sound familiar) doesn't fall into the hands of a corrupt government official but, instead, goes to a worthy cause (like Woo's IRA account).

In fact, this story sounds an awful lot like Yetunde Bassey's (see my post of June 10, 2003), who also had a bank customer that died, and Yutende also didn't want the fruit of the old man's labor to go to a corrupt government official and... HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

Grade: F
Comments: Now, I'm not quite sure who plagiarized whom, but I think that Woo and Yutende need to get together and think about what they did. In the meantime, they both get an "F".

---------------------------------------------

FROM THE DESK OF:

MR. WOO CHONG
CHINATRUST COMMERCIAL BANK.
NAN KAN BRANCH, TAIWAN
REPUBLIC OF CHINA

I am Mr. Woo Chong, Bank Manager of Chinatrust Commercial Bank, Nan Kan branch, Taiwan, R.O.C. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

On June 6, 1998 [funny, Yutende's customer died on June 6, 1998 -- maybe Yutende is the one who copied from Woo], a British Oil consultant/contractor with the Chinese Solid Minerals Corporation [well, Yutende's custmer worked for Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation], Mr. Smith Lawrence made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at US$30,000,000.00 (Thirty Million Dollars) in my branch. Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Chinese Solid Minerals Corporation that Mr. Smith Lawrence died from an automobile accident. On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL, and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.

I therefore made further investigation and discovered that Mr. Smith Lawrence did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. This sum of US$30,000,000.00 is still sitting in my Bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will ever come forward to claim it. According to Laws of Republic of China, at the expiration of 5 (five) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Chinese Government if nobody applies to claim the fund.

Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand in as the next of kin to Mr. Smith Lawrence so that the fruits of this old man's labor will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials [If you're going to copy, at least come up with some new prose]. This is simple [that's good because I'm not too good with complicated plans -- go ahead...], I will like you to provide immediately your full names and address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits that will put you in place as the next of kin. We shall employ the services of an attorney for drafting and notarization of the WILL and to obtain the necessary documents and letter of probate/administration in your favor for the transfer. A bank account in any part of the world that you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of this money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin. The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 90% for me and 10% for you.

There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately via the private email address above. Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction. Please send me your confidential telephone and fax numbers for easy communication [can I just give you my regular ones and say that they're confidential?].

Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us [Hey, I think Woo is Ferengi (think Star Trek) -- like Yutende! He definitely seems to have a handle on the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition] because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country.

Awaiting your urgent reply via my email address.

Thanks and regards.

Mr. Woo Chong

---

From the refugee camp

You've just gotta love Dr. Leslie. For some reason, it seems that virtually everyone living in Nigeria and Sierra Leone is a doctor of something or other. Although I applaud their aggressive pursuit of advanced degrees, I do tend to question their consistency. This letter is a great case in point...

The message was sent from Dr. Leslie Swaray. The first sentence, however, introduces the writer as Daniel Swaray, a 20 year-old. He then concludes the letter by signing off again "Yours Faithfully, Leslie Swaray."

Although this individual is clearly conflicted as to his or her identity, he does have the presence of mind to write this email from the Internet Cafe at the local Refugee Camp. I kind of picture him sitting in the refugee camp, sipping his 1% decaf latte, nibbling at his biscotti, and typing away at his laptop -- all in pursuit of a better life!

Grade: B+
Comments: This could have been an A if the writer had just picked one name and stuck with it. Also, enough with the all caps, already. Good imagery, though.

-------------------------

DEAR FRIEND,

MY NAME IS DANIEL SWARAY.I AM 20YEARS OLD .I AM THE ELDERST SON OF LATE CHEIF KAMARA SAWARAY OF TUNGO DISTRICT,SIERRA LEONE.I GOT YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION FROM THE INTERNET WHILE BROWSING AT THE RECREATIONAL CENTRE IN REFUGEE 'S CAMP INTERNET CAFE HERE IN GHANA.MY SPIRIT CHOOSED AS YOUR CONTRY IS WHERE I WOULD LOVE TO BE.IT IS LEFT FOR YOU TO BE ORIGINAL AND TRUSTWORTHY SOMEONE.I WANT YOU TO TREAT THIS ISSUE AS A CONFIDENTIAL.

THIS IS MY LIFE AND MY BRIGHTER FUTURE, WITHOUT THIS I AM NOBODY [hmm, I think I'm picking up on some self-esteem issues here],I HAVE BEEN KEEPING THIS ISSUE FOR THE PAST 4YEARS AGO,BECAUSE I DO NOT TRUST BLACK AFRICAN.YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? [...and some racism issues] BESIDES,I WANT TO FINALLY MOVE AWAY FROM AFRICA[ME AND MY MOTHER]TO START A NEW LIFE OVERTHERE.BECAUSE I DO NOT HAVE FAMILY NO MORE AND NO RELATIVES [what is your mother, chopped liver?] .THE WAR SPLIT EVERYBODY.MAYBE SOME OF THEM ARE STILL ALIVE WHICH I DON'T KNOW.OUR MIGTHY HOUSE AND THE PROPERTIES ARE NO MORE [I guess it wasn't so mighty, was it?] .MY YOUNGER BROTHER AND MY LITTLE SISTER DIED DURING THE WAR .PLEASE,I WANT TO TREAT THIS ISSUE WHICH I AM ABOUT TO DISCLOE TO YOU AS A CONFIDENTIAL ONCE AGAIN.

MY FATHER,LATE CHIEF KAMARA SWARAY,POPULARLY KNOWN AS IN OUR CONTRY AS GIPU,HE WAS THE INDEPENDENT DIAMOND MARKETERIN KONO DISTRICT, SIERRA LEONE.UNFORTUNATETELY FOR US,HE WAS AMONG THE TWELVE PROMINENT CITIZENS EXECUTED BY OUR PRESIDENT AHMED TEJAN KABBAH [Wait, can a president execute a chief? I thought a chief was higher up] .MY FATHER, ALONG SIDE THE ELEVEEN PROMINENT CITIZEN[BOTH CIVILIAN AND MILITARY]WHERE ACCUSED OF SUPPORTING AND SPONSORING THE FORMAL DICTATOR,MAJOR.PAUL JOHNNY KOROMAH TO OVERTHROW THE DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT IN 1991 BEFORE THE WAR FINALLY BROKED OUT.THEY WHERE EXECUTEDIN 1999 BEFORE THERE ARREST [so, you're saying it's better to get arrested then, right?] ,MY LATE FATHER HAS ALREADY HANDED OVER SOME DOCUMENTS TO ME,WHICH REVEALS THAT,HE HAS DEPOSITED TWO SEALED BOXES,ONE CONTAINING 652CARACT OF BLUE ROUGH CUT DIAMOND GEM AND ANOTHER ONE CONTAINING A CASH WAS DEPOSITED IN THE SECURITY COMPANY HERE IN ACCRA THE CAPITAL STATE OF GHANA WHICH CONTAINED ABOUT $26.8 MILLION US DOLLARS OF WHICH MY NAME IS THE NEXT OF KIN.MY LATE FATHER STATED THAT,HE REGISTERED THE BOTH BOXES AS CONTAINING PRECIOUS ITEMS AS AT THE TIME OF DEPOSIT IN ORDER NOT TO RAISE QUESTIONS.THE OFFICERS OF THE LOCAL SECURITY COMPANY DOES NOT KNOW THAT ONE OF THE BOXES ACTUALLY CONTAINS CASH.RIGHT NOW,MYSELF AND MY MOTHER ARE IN BUDUBURAM REFUGEES CAMP,HERE IN GHANA WHERE WE FLEE TO BECAUSE OF THE WAR

IN OUR CONTRY.I WANT YOU TO ASSIST US TO FACILITATES THE REMOVAL OF THE DEPOSITED BOXES FROM THE SECURITY AND DEPOSIT HOUSE,AND LATER ASSIST US TO BUY HOUSE IN YOUR CONTRY [Maybe Leslie just wants a a good Realtor] ,AND INVEST THE REST FOR US IN ANY BUSINESS SINCE WE DO NOT WANT TO RE-SETTLED IN AFRICA DUE TO THE INTRUSTION MY LATE FATHER GAVE TO ME AND FOR PEOPLE NOT TO SET THIER EYES ON OUR FAMILY.IF I HAVE YOUR CO-OPERATION,I WILL SEE THAT YOU ARE GENEROUSLY COMPENSATED.PLEASE INDICATE YOUR INTREST BY REPLYING TO ME ON THIS MAIL.SO THAT I CAN CONSULT OUR LAWYER TO PREPARE THE NECCESSARY AGGREEMENT LETTER,DOCUMENT BINDING BOTH US [Hey, I'm not into that sort of thing!] AND ALSO THE ATTORNEY WHICH I INTEND GIVING TO YOU AS THE RIGHTFUL BENEFICIARY [Ok, now I'm picturing myself as a rightful beneficiary. It's kinda nice.].

I AWAIT YOUR SWIFT RESPONSE

YOUR'S FAITHFULLY

LESLIE SAWARAY.

---

I won, I won!!!

Now, this is a little different than the usually letters I get, but I thought that it was worth posting. I can't believe I won $400 thousand. This is great! Now I can afford to take my wife on that cruise that she has been looking forward to and, of course, as suggested in the letter, I will make sure to use some of my winnings to participate in the next drawing in 3 years. It's really a bummer about the mixup with the names. Let me guess, to clear this up they will probably need my SSN, bank account number, date of birth...

Grade: D
Comments: A creative idea but poorly executed. It almost seems like a disappointing sequel to an interesting movie. The use of the reference number, batch number, ticket number, winning number, however almost makes it seem credible but there is still a too much detail for my taste. It's almost like they are trying a little bit too hard!

--------------------------------------------

SEA FIELD VENTURES
(ACCREDITED LICENSED AGENT TO GLOBAL LOTTERY INTERNATIONAL)
Ref. Number : 2367/678-0122
Batch Number : 837435611223-GLI/03

Sir/Madam,

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the Lottery Winners International programs held on the 1st January, 2003. Your e-mail address attached to ticket number 27511465896-6410 with Serial Number 4204-777 Drew lucky numbers 7-21-23-54-67-88 which consequently Won in the 1st category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay of $ 400,000.00 (Four Hundred Thousand Dollars). CONGRATULATIONS!!! Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep your winning information confidential until your claims has been processed and your money Remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse [Abuse? You're telling me people abuse this sort of thing?] of this program by some participants. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn for only for Microsoft users from over 20,000 company and 300,000 individual email addresses and names from all over the world. This promotional program takes place every three years.

This lottery was promoted and sponsored by the owner of the World's largest software (MICROSOFT) [wait, you mean Apple isn't the biggest?] , we hope with part of your winning you will take part in our next subsequent stake that will be held in October 2003 of US$2,000,000.00 (Two Million Dollars) international lottery. To file for your claim, please contact our FIDUCIAL Agent [I always wanted my own fiducial agent -- I wonder what one does?] in Spain, MR. TONY MYERS of SEA FIELD VENTURES on 0031-630-681-971 for your wining/Processment and Claim: Please be aware that your Paying Bank will Effect Payment Swiftly upon Satisfactory Report and Verifications provided by our processing Agency (SEA FIELD VENTURES).

Remember, all winning must be CLAIMED not later than Monday 16th of June, 2003. [hey, that will be here before I know it, I had better get moving on this!] After this date all unclaimed funds will be included in the next stake. Please note in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications please remember to quote your reference number and batch numbers in all correspondence. Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our Agent as soon as possible.

Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program. Note: Anybody under the age of 18 is AUTHOMATICALY DISQUALIFIED.

Yours Sincerely,

,
Mrs. Evelyn Van Borsch. [Ok, I give up -- what does an accented "s" sound like?]

---

Gold Digger

Now anyone who's name is "Gold" has got to attract some attention. Although he has some strange cravings, he is a close aid of the "formar" president of Congo. It seems that the president was killed in a shootout with "rebles" and before being killed, sent Gold out with $15 million to buy arms, presumably to fight the "rebles". Whatever "rebles" are (I'm picturing some sort of small rodent), they sound particularly fierce.

Grade: C-
Comments: Gold, buy yourself a dictionary for crying out loud!


Dear Friend,

SEEKING FOR IMMEDIATE TRANSFER OF US$15.5MILLION [Note that he doesn't tell you whether he seeks to transfer it to or *from* you!] . It is my pleasure to request your assistance on this business roposition which if pursued to its conclusion ,will be of immense benefit to both of us. This request may seem strange but I will crave [?] your indulgence and pray that you view it seriously. My name is Mr Gold Kutah of the Democratic Republic of Congo I am one of close aids to the formar president of Congo Democratic LAURENT KABILA of blessed memory, may his soul rest in peace [hold on while I observe a moment of silence... ok, we can start again].

For the military of LAURENT KABILA to force out the rebles in my country,I was instructed by him (late president Kabila) to go to the Europe to purchase ARMS AND AMMUNIATION worth us$15.5(fifteen million Five Hundred Thousand us Dollars)to fight the reble groups. But when it became apparent that president Kabila has been killed in a bloody shoot out by one of his aids [hmmm. I'm guessing that can't be part of the usual job description for an aid] . I immediately decided to divert the fund ( US$15.5) into a private security company for safe keeping. The money is presently in Holland (The Netherlands) [ok, ok, I know where Holland is -- tell me more about the money] where I am currently in exile after the death of president Kabila.

I need a reliable and trust worthy foreign partner/national who can assist me to clear and move this money as the beneficiary from the security company. Though we have not seen nor met each other, but I would want this transaction to be properly handled with modesty and honesty to a huge success within two weeks, this money in question is state fund as it is a deal between you and I, hence the need for secrecy considering the security implications. [whoa, can you say RUN-ON SENTENCE?] Thus, if you are willing to assist me to move this fund out of the Netherlands, you could contact me through the email as stated above to enable us discuss more about the deal and what your percentage will be for assisting me.
Please note that you will be required to make a brief trip to the Netherlands for inspection of the fund [Ok, I'm trying to picture how one inspects a fund] .

I also intend to visit your country soonest [well, soonest is better than latest] in order to inquire areas of possible business investment. I shall be sincerely glad if my request is rendered.

Regards,
Mr Gold Kutah.

---

Consultant to the Chief

After having gotten that last email from a banker, it is quite gratifying to now get one from an actual consultant to the chief, and we're talking the chief of the whole darn country! Of course this chief was implicated in the "sudden assasination" of former Chief Ige. That makes me wonder what a long protracted assasination would be like.

Grade: C
Comments: Duba was nice enough to provide his phone number which is much more personal than the usual email address. It is also great that Dubba has the mandate of "Chief Mrs Bola Ige, wife of the late Attoney-general." To be really honest though, I am having a hard time saying Chief Ige without a chuckle. I think a more serious name is definitely in order. Offering to negotiate the commission is a nice touch.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear

My name is H.DUBA YOUNG ESQ, having gotten your contact from a reliable source [you call Google a reliable source?] ,I am moved to confide in you this very important issue and it's my believe that you will give it the serious attention, confidentiality and urgency that it demands. I am a consultant to late CHIEF BOLA IGE, former Minister of Justice in Nigeria, due to problems the Ige family is currently suffering under the present civilian government of president OLUSEGUN OBASANJO whose government was rumoured to have a hand in Chief Ige's sudden assasination [aren't most assasinations sudden?] , I have the mandate of Chief Mrs Bola Ige, wife of the late Attoney-general and now head of the Ige family to seek your permission to transfer some monetary assets into your care. The family is willing to enter into negotiation with you regarding your commission percentage, so could you please contact me immediately for details, my phone number is +225 07 61 02 94 [Ok, I'm guessing I can't call collect]

Thanks and looking forward to hearing from you.

H.DUBA YOUNG ESQ.

---

Bank Opportunity

I have to say that most of the bank managers I have met don't have Ph.D's but Yetunde obviously is an over-achiever -- I'm guessing he is probably a type A personality.

Grade: C+
Comment: Dr. Yetunde wants me to provide him with my full "names and addresses". Names, plural? I'm wondering just how many names Yetunde has? Good story, though. And I like the reference to the "fruits of the old man's labor", just to pull at the heart strings a bit. It kind of makes you feel like you are doing something good!

-----------------------------------------

ATTN:PRESIDENT/ C.E.O.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am DR. Yetunde Bassey. Bank Manager of Diamond Bank of Nigeria, Lagos Branch. I have urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

On June 6, 1999, a FOREIGN Oil consultant/contractor with the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation, Mr. Barry Kelly made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at US$25,000,000.00 (Twenty- five Million Dollars) in my branch.

Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation that Mr. Barry Kelly died from an automobile accident [or *was* it an accident?] . On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a WILL, and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless [ I wonder just how much effort went into that search?].
I therefore made further investigation and discovered that Mr. Barry Kelly did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank. This sum of US$25,000,000.00 is still sitting in my Bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will ever come forward to claim it.

According to Nigerian Law, at the expiration of 5 (five) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Nigerian Government if nobody applies to claim the fund. Consequently, my proposal is that I will like you as an Foreigner to stand in as the next of kin to Mr. Barry Kelly so that the fruits of this old man's labor will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials [you mean, as opposed to a corrupt bank manager?].

This is simple, I will like you to provide immediately your full names and address so that the Attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits, which will put you in place as the next of kin. We shall employ the service of an Attorney for drafting and notarization of the WILL and to obtain the necessary documents and letter of probate/administration in your favor for the transfer. A bank account in any part of the world, which you will provide, will then facilitate the transfer of this money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin. The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 60% for me and 30% for you.10% Will be for settling expences on my part and yours,also for tax when the funds arrive yourcountry.

There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the Attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately via the private
email address below.

Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction. Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us [I'm starting to think Yetunde is a Ferengi (think Star Trek)] because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country. Awaiting your urgent reply. Via the following email addresses:bassey60@hknetmail.com,bassey70@hknetmail.com,bassey80@hknetmail.com.

Thanks and regards.
DR. YETUNDE BASSEY.

---

Run-on Letter

Now, while Frazer starts off nicely, and despite his apparent anatomical anomaly of having multiple hearts, he never seems to get around to wrapping up this letter. The other problem I have is that I just can't read the name, Frazer, without visualizing Kelsey Grammer. I will give him credit for not writing the entire letter in all caps, though.

Grade: C
Comments: In one word -- brevity. Also consider proof reading more carefully -- pay especial attention to capitalization. I might even suggest that Frazer consider hiring someone to edit for him.
-------------------------------

Good Day,

with warm hearts I offer my friendship, and my greetings, and I hope this letter meets you in good time. It will be surprising to ou toreceive this proposal from me since you do not know me personally. However, I am sincerely seeking your confidence in this transaction, which I propose with my free mind and as a person of integrity.

My name is FRAZER ALOMA, the son of TIMOTHY WEWE ALOMA, a farmer from Zimbabwe, murdered in the land dispute in my country. As led by my instinct, I decided to contact you through email, after searching for contacts via the internet, as it is the only means I can contact anybody since I am cutting off ties with Zimbabwe for now. I apologize if this is not acceptable to you [no, I don't mind if you cut off ties with Zimbabwe].

The purpose of this letter is to seek your most needed assistance in a business venture. Due to the land and political problems in Zimbabwe, as a result of President Robert Mugabe's introduction of new Land Act Reform wholly affecting the rich white farmers and the few rich black farmers, all white farmers were asked to surrender their farms to the government for re-distribution and infact to his political party members and my father though black was the treasury of the farmers association and a strong member of an opposition party that did not support the president's idea.

He then ordered his party members and the police under his pay row to invade my father's farm and burn down everything in the farm. They killed my father and took away a lot of items from his farm.

After the death of my father, our local pastor and a close friend of my father handed us over will documents with instructions from my father that we should leave Zimbabwe incase anything happen to him. The will documents has a certificate of deposit, confirming a cash deposit totaling Fourteen million five hundred thousand united state dollars. [$14.5M USD] Kept in custody for us in a security company ,but unknown to the company that the content is money hence it was deposited as personal blongings. This money was deposited with this Private Security Company for safety and security reasons, and was to be used for the purchase of land, new machines and chemicals establishment of new farms in Botswana.

This violent and barbaric act by Mugabe has since led to the death of my beloved mother and kid sister and other innocent lives.I was continually threatened to abandon my inheritance from my fatherafter he was murdered. I resisted for a while, but when the danger became unbearable, and I survived two murder attempts, I fled Zimbabwe with the help of my father's close friend Mr. John Casahans from Australia also a farmer who was leaving in Zimbabwe with us but left with his family following this ugly development I have tried to reach him but all to no avail.

I am currently staying in the Netherlands where I am seeking political asylum. In fact my decision to come here to seek asylum [let me get this straight, are you seeking asylum or or *in* an asylum - because, you know it does make a difference] , is because the security company from South Africa, has a branch here, I have contacted them to move the safe deposit from their office in Johannesburg here, which they have since done.

I need to transfer this money to an account and invest part of the money. Since the law of Netherlands prohibits a refugee (asylum seeker) to open any bank account or to be involved in any financial transaction, especially of this great magnitude this is why I am seeking a genuine and reliable partner, whose account this money can be transferred, hence this proposal to you.

You have to understand that this decision taken by me is a very big and brave one, and it entrusts my future in your hands, as a result of the safe keeping of this money.

If you accept to assist me, all I want you to do for me, is to assist with arrangements to claim the deposit from the security company from their office here in The Netherlands, as it has now been transferred from Johannesburg, South Africa to their branch here. The company will be legally informed of you representing me.

For your assistance, I have two options for you. Firstly you can choose to have 20% of the money for your assistance, and helping me open an account for the money to be deposited here, or you can go into partnership with me for the proper profitable investment of the money in your country. Whichever the option you want, please to notify me in your reply.

I have also set aside 1 % of this money for all kinds of expenses that come our way in the process of this transaction, and 4%for Charity donation [well if you're giving part to charity, you must on the level] . If you prefer to accept the 20% for your moral and financial assistance then the balance will be left in the account here for me.

Please, I want you to maintain absolute secrecy for the purpose of this transaction.

You can reach me on frazeraloma@netscape.net


I look forward to your reply and co-operation, and I thank you in advance as I anticipate your co-operation.

Sincerely,
Frazer Aloma

---

Hello Dear !?!

Dear? This guy is calling me dear? A little bit too forward if you ask me. Combined with the use of all caps (which is no longer in vogue, I really have to think that this is not one of Paul's best efforts!

Grade: C-
Comments: Try and explain where the Republic of Benin is located. Maybe a little map would be helpful.

-------------------------------

HELLO DEAR,

I AM A RETIRED CHIEF ACCOUNTANT AND I WAS THE CHAIRMAN CONTRACTS AWARD COMMITTEE OF NATIONAL ELECTRIC POWER AUTHORITY [Hey, did you used to work at Enron?] (N.E.P.A) EASTERN ZONE IN COTONOU, REPUBLIC OF BENIN. DURING MY TIME IN THE OFFICE, FEW OFFICIALS AND I OVER-INFLATED SOME CONTRACTS AWARDED TO FOREIGN CONTRACTORS IN THAT ZONE TO THE TUNE OF US$25.5M ["to the tune of $25.5M" -- who is this guy kidding? I'm thinking that he's watched too many movies] . THE CONTRACTS HAVE BEEN EXECUTED AND THE CONTRACTORS HAVE BEEN FULLY PAID. THIS $25.5M US DOLLARS HAVE BEEN THERE WAITING FOR CLAIM.

NOW THAT I HAVE RETAIRED I WANT YOU TO ASSIST US BY STANDING AS THE BENEFICIARY OF THIS MONEY AND CLAIM IT [It's always nicer to ask and say "please" rather than "I want"]. WE HAVE FINISH ALL THE ARRANGEMENT FOR THE TRANSFER AND IT IS RISK FREE.JUST PROVIDE US WITH AN ACCOUNT NUMBER AND NAME, BANK NAME AND ADDRESS, SORT CODE/ABA NUMBER, BANK TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER.. ON RECEIPT OF THESE INFORMATION, (7)SEVEN WORKING DAYS IS ENOUGH FOR US TO CONCLUDE THIS DEAL BASED ON THE ASSURANCE GIVEN BY THESE OFFICIALS.

AFTER THE TRANSFER TO YOUR ACCOUNT, 25% OF THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU AND , 5% WILL BE FOR ANY LO1CAL OR INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES,WHILE 70% WILL BE FOR MY PARTNERS AND I . ALSO TWO OF THE OFFICIAL AND I WILL COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY TO HAVE OUR OWN SHARE AND . PLEASE YOUR URGENT RESPONSE THROUGH MY E-MAIL ADDRESS IS HIGHLY NEEDED THIS BUSINESS OF INTEREST TO YOU

THANK YOU

PAUL NWANNA [try and say NWANNA three times really fast]

---

Grateful to Introduce Himself

Daniel starts off by saying that he is grateful to introduce himself. That kind of makes me feel good. On the other hand, "Daniel King" just doesn't sound like the name of someone from Zimbabwa.

Grade: B
Comments: He only offers $17.5 million while I am getting other offers for $25 million. I also still don't get why he is in The Netherlands.

--------------------------

URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL
FROM: DANIEL KING
THE NETHERLANDS

Dear Sir,

SOLICITING FOR A BUSINESS VENTURE AND PARTNERSHIP Before I proceed, I must be grateful to introduce myself. My name is Mr.Daniel King a Zimbabwean. I was formerly a personal aide to one of the top ministers (Minister of Finance) of Robert Mugabe's former Government. Due to my position and closeness with the minister, I absconded with Seventeen . Five Million United States Dollars (US$17.5M) [Comment: Hmm, I don't think I've ever heard someone admit that they ever absconded with something] which was part of the money meant for campaigning for President Robert Mugabe's re-election into office
under Zanu PF Party.

Presently I have been able to move the funds diplomatically to a Security Company in the Netherlands where I now reside as efugee.

MY REQUEST

As a result of my present situation as a refugee who cannot have access to own an account or accounts, I am looking for a trustworthy individual/firm to advice me in making the rightful investment as well as to provide account(s) where the funds will be lodge into. Moreso, we are at the interim interested in buying properties for residence as my family will be residing there in the near future.

COMMISSION/REMUNERATION
As regards your commission/remuneration, I and my immediate family have decided to offer you 25% of the total sum and also set aside 5% for all your expenses (i.e telephone bills, travelling expenses, hotel bills and other miscellaneous expenses) [well, if my math is right, that's $875,000 for travel, phone, and hotel expenses --- this guy *is* generous!].

NOTE: I shall commit half of my own share of the total sum into a joint venture project preferably in the purchase of Real Estate or other profitable business venture. Be assured that you stand no risk of any kind as the funds in question belong to me alone. As soon as I get your consent, I will furnish you with the details and contact of the Security Company and a face to face meeting will be arrange in order to know each other better.

I strongly believe that associating with you to embark on this and other business ventures will derive a huge success hereafter and it will be a long lasting business association. If you have any question, do not fail to contact me with the above e-mail address.

I await your anticipated co-operation.

Yours truly,
Mr. Daniel King.

---

Zimbabwean Heir

Here is one of my personal favorites. Joeseph, along with his fellow prefers to keep this transaction confidential. What I do like about Joe, however, is that he does seem to be concerned the ethical implications, to the extent that he even tells us up fron that we will need to share in the minimal costs with him!

Grade: A-
Comments: Good creativity but needs better proofreading

----------------------------

Dear Sir,

Difficulties encountered in efforts to establish a business abroad necessitate this search for someone to assist me in securing and investing the sum of USD21,000.000 (twenty one million dollars)inherited from my father's business reserve.

I am the heir of a Zimbabwean family; my father was an agriculturist. He became rich from his old-aged investment in agriculture and later was victimized by President Robert Mugabe's land reform policy. He was assassinated by unknown gunmen for defending his land ownership and siding the minority white farmers.

Before his death, my father foresaw the insecurity of both our lives and property then decided to deposit the above sum with a private finance and security firm in Europe. This money has become the only inherited property of our family since our home was burnt,and the farmlands and machines seized; yet the government and it's loyalists are bent on making life difficult for us. [forget the money, just sell the rights to your story as a movie deal -- I can see James Earl Jones as the agriculturalist]

To summarise this traumatic story, my mother and I have decided to offer 15% of the above sum to anyone who assists us to secure this funds overseas or 25% share for possible help on investing in any reliable venture.

There are however some minimal cost involved in securing the release of this deposit [well, I guess as long as they are minimual it will be ok -- yeah right!] from the present holding company.i do not intend to overburden you with these cost [then how about we just waive them] but you must know beforehand that we will be sharing whatever cost involved in retrieving this deposit and putting it to beneficial use.

if you would want to proceed under these terms,please reply for detailed information. if you do not accept my offer,please in good fate treat with utmost confidentiality . A quick reply with your name,telephone and fax numbers to (joziwa@go.com) for more confidential communication will be highly appreciated.

Sincerely yours,
JOSEPH MUTSONZIWA

---

Short and Sweet

Kofi Joo has learned one major lesson in his persuit of an international wire transfer -- the value of concise communications (and of a cool name).

Grade: B+

-------------------------------------

Dear Sir,

I have interest of investing in your country as such,I would like to make contact with you for assistance as soon as I am able to transfer my fund for this investment, which is already with a security company in Europe.

You will assist me in collecting the funds from the security company as
I can not travel out of my country now [uh, let me guess, you're a little tied up at the moment?].

I retired as a Chairman of my local Council and do not want to re-contest election.

Please if you would assist me, do reply this mail.

Enclosing your telephone/fax numbers.

Thanks,

Yours sincerely,
Mr, Kofi Joo.